You Bring Out the Mitt Romney in Me

Between the PAD challenge and the election, this was bound to happen. In fact, when I gave my students the assignment to write an imitation poem, this one just sprang into being. 

So, this is my imitation of "You Bring Out the Mexican in Me" by Sandra Cisneros AND "You Bring Out the Boring White Guy in Me" by Jim Daniels. Still very new, but timely.

You Bring Out the Mitt Romney in Me


You bring out the Mitt Romney in me.
The republican in me.
The moderate in me.
The severely conservative in me.
No, the moderate in me—
of that you can be sure.

You bring out the lapel flag-pin wearing,
gun-toting, live free or die,
Wal-Mart mom in me.
The Romneycare in me.
The private elevator in the state house in me.
The car elevator in the California home in me.

You bring out the one percent in me.

You bring out the Ann Romney in me.
The father of five in me.
The Mormon in me.
Why do I need caffeine when I have you,
with your Ken Doll square jaw,
gleaming eyes and immobile hair
graying at the temples?

You bring out the missionary in me.
The Harvard-educated lawyer in me.
The Bain in me.
The venture capitalist in me.
The one-term governor in me.
The Olympics in me.
The job creator in me.

You bring out the red state in me.
The Ronald Regan in me.
The George Bush in me, 41 and 43.
The Paul Ryan in me. 

The Sarah Palin in me.

The Ann Coulter in me.
The Newt Gingrich in me.
The Eric Cantor in me.
The John Boehner in me.
The John Sununu/Grover Norquist /Todd Aiken in me.

You bring out the Birther in me.

The Tea Party
The blue collar in me.
The middle income in me.
The non-Hispanic white voter in me.
The pundit in me.
The policy wonk in me.
The political hack in me.
The electoral college in me.

You bring out the Colorado-Florida-Iowa-Michigan-Nevada-New Hampshire-North Carolina-Ohio-Pennsylvania-Virginia-Wisconsin-swing states in me.

You bring out the voter fraud in me,
and I like it.

You bring out the recession in me.
The unemployment in me.
The fiscal cliff in me.
The self-deportation in me.
The welfare state in me.
The voucher program in me.
The school choice in me.
The Detroit in me.
GM employee in me.

You bring out the pro-choice in me. 

The pro-life in me.
The multiple choice in me. 

There’s only one choice for me, 

Mitt. Tell me what I want to hear.
No, really. Tell me what I want to hear.

You bring out the Let Detroit Go Bankrupt in me
The You didn’t build that in me.
The I like being able to fire people in me.
The Corporations are people in me.
The I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there in me.
The I’ll bet you $10,000 in me.

You bring out the 47 percent in me.

Facts don’t matter, Mitt. The polls
are wrong. We have momentum, baby.
your red states against my blue states
your elephant against my donkey
your right against my left.
Mitt, let’s double down.
Let’s make a final push.
Take me out of your binder, Mitt.
Strap me to your roof rack and call me Seamus—
I’m waiting for you.