Poem for Poetry Thursday
Oooh! I actually had something ready for this week's Poetry Thursday prompt. I started a true story series a while back, because sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction. This particular poem comes from a wire story from Associated Press (I think) and I've never forgotten it. It's still a work in progress, so feedback is appreciated.
Looking forward to reading your poems this week.
True Story #2: Devotion
To prove his fidelity,
a Filipino man cut off his penis
wrapped it in newspaper
and threw it through
the window of his wife’s parent’s home.
She opened the newspaper
and there it was:
soft, deflated, delicate.
In the center of her hands she could feel
his stillness.
He yelled to the balcony,
“There! So you will not suspect I am courting another girl,”
and then hobbled off into the night.
Later,
his shocked wife gave it to the police
who sought the help of an embalmer to preserve
the severed member until her husband could be found:
this marker of past glory,
an elegy for all that once was.
Looking forward to reading your poems this week.
True Story #2: Devotion
To prove his fidelity,
a Filipino man cut off his penis
wrapped it in newspaper
and threw it through
the window of his wife’s parent’s home.
She opened the newspaper
and there it was:
soft, deflated, delicate.
In the center of her hands she could feel
his stillness.
He yelled to the balcony,
“There! So you will not suspect I am courting another girl,”
and then hobbled off into the night.
Later,
his shocked wife gave it to the police
who sought the help of an embalmer to preserve
the severed member until her husband could be found:
this marker of past glory,
an elegy for all that once was.
Comments
S1L5– “wife’s parent’s home” is difficult sonically. But you need all that info – maybe some reformulation?
S2L3 – three modifiers seem one too many here. My money would be on deflated and delicate – soft seems too obvious. Not getting “in the center” of her hands. Why not “between”? – plain language, but that’s a hallmark here and it works. "Stillness" is fantastic.
S3L1 – “to the balcony” not needed and comes across as a bit twee (obviously Romeo & Juliettish & serenadish). "Hobbled off into the night" is perfect.
S4 L1 – don’t need “later”. L5 & 6 not the best ending, descend rather into telliness – you do need some closing though – some tender, sad thing the wife does, maybe?
V. nice read, as usual. Good luck with the revision. - Nic
I really like the next section. The bits that bother Nic don't bother me at all, in fact I think they are very evocative. In fact, I like all the rest of it.
The story it's based on is beyone bizarre though. Wow!
Nic, I feel like I need "to the balcony" and "later" to give the reader the sense of where this is happening. That's from the wire story so I want to keep at least of the article's facts. I do like the Romeo and Juliet undertone, which didn't occur to me until you mentioned it.
I think getting rid of "soft" is a good suggestion, but "to the center" is a bit more ethereal and fits in the stanza.
Great feedback, as always. THANKS!
i just used "Stranger than fiction..." Love that phrase.
Did the police find him...alive?
still you got a great poem out of it ;-)